I've Got Better Shit To Do

I've been sitting in my office for almost two hours now, and already it feels like my temporal lobe is going to pop. I can feel a vein in my temple trying to force its way out of my head. Hopefully that will be good enough to kill me because I cannot sit at this desk for the rest of the day. Maybe I'll go on a little homicide spree. Anyway, to pass the time I wrote a list of things I would rather do than be at work. Enjoy.

If I had my choice, instead of working I would rather:

Have sex with a morbidly obese woman with a mustache
Watch a puppy die
Masturbate to images of Rosie O'Donnell
Walk through the middle of Red Square in 1961 holding a sign that says Capitalists are Sexy
Listen to Ann Coulter pleasuring herself and then scream at her dildo for being "a fucking pussy liberal"
Fondle Ron Jeremy's hairy Jewish balls
Piss myself during the prom
Be the most recent guy to bone Paris Hilton
Contract syphillis
Piss off OJ
Circumcise myself with a fork
Take a shovel to the nuts
Eat mayonnaise
Snort lines of broken glass
Finger-bang Babwa Wawters
Attempt a rational conversation with our numb nuts president
Repeatedly hit myself in the head with a tack hammer
Get raped by a manatee
Take a job as a fluffer for a porn movie
Be cellmates with a 7 ft. tall black man nicknamed Rapey
Stare blankly at a white wall for 8 hours. Strike that, I already spend my entire day doing this.
Fellate a hot curling iron
Set fire to my nuts
Spend a weekend in Buffalo Bill's torture pit
Shit myself in a bar
Drink Steel Reserve
Anything involving beastiality
Huff gasoline
Watch a Chicago Bears game
Live on Milwaukee's North Side
Go hamster shopping with Richard Gere
Watch reruns of American Idol
Go down on my fat shit neighbor
Skin myself alive
Listen to that fucking Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend" song
Stab myelf repeatedly with a ballpoint pen
Fuck with an already pissed off gorilla
Listen to elevator music
Sit in traffic
Get hit by a car
Get beaten up by my friend's gay uncle
Take a crackhead to dinner
Drag my dick across a bed of nails
Kick a stripper
Brush my teeth with paint thinner
Ride the It's a Small World ride at Disney World
Anything involving nudity and scorpions
Drink Mountain Dew
Bite Mike Tyson's ear off
Rub one out with sandpaper
Get pegged
Step on a kitten
Make a long list
Wrap dental floss around my finger until it turns black and falls off
Punch my sister
Break my television
Eat a piece of tree bark
Fuck Anna Nicole Smith. In her current state.
Create a ridiculously long list of shit I'd rather do than work.
Write for this weblog.
Get fired.

As you can see, I'm not a big fan of work. I hope I conveyed my general dislike of all things work-related. If you can't tell, then I hate to say this, but scientists would describe you, in all their sciency terms, as a "fucking retard." It's true. I read it in a book.

Fuck work.