I am at the end of my fucking rope. Every weekend there is some douchebag who rides his miniature crotch rocket up and down the alley behind my house. As if there isn't a street or parking lot or perhaps a fucking freeway he could ride on. This stupid piece of fuck has to ride a tiny motorcycle up and down the alley at 8am while I am trying to sleep off the unholy amounts of alcohol I consumed the previous night. During the week I wouldn't give a shit because I am awake and leaving for work at this hour. Obviously this dildo doesn't realize this, so I have written a letter to him detailing my grievances and what I expect of him. I hope he heeds my advice.
Dear Asshole,
Get fucked you panda-raping ass-ranger. I hope you run your pygmy motorcycle into a telephone pole and die. Is there a reason that you cannot postpone your insanely stupid recreation until at least 11am? I cannot understand why you have to be a fucking cock monger and interrupt me while I am taking advantage of the only true free time I have during the week. I fucking hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. Hitler was not as hated by the Polish Jews as much as I loathe you. If I had my choice between killing you and saving a village of refugees in Darfur, those skinny shits in Africa would be long gone. Please know that if it were legal I would have already detonated the bomb I made specially for you. Please also know that I work for a law firm and am currently drafting legislation to make the aforementioned action legal and even encouraged at the state level. I'm fucking serious. You are hereby ordered to stop. If you do not stop I will start planting nails face-up in the alley. If that does not deter you I will start sitting on my roof with a rifle and take shots at you as you pass by. Please know that I am a crack shot. I don't miss. I hope you understand how seriously I take my drunken slumber. Do not fuck with it. Or I will eat your soul.
Fuck you cockslap.
Love, Michael
For his sake I hope he takes me seriously. I am a man of my word and I really would hate to have to go to the hardware store and buy thousands of nails to plant in the alley. But I am willing to go that far.
That fucking cumstain better listen to me.
Fuck.
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1 comment:
Ooops! Almost missed this one... and that would have been bad- something about these letters are so... heartwarming...........
The "Love, Michael" always tops it off and makes me have that Grinch smile in that one scene... you know, the one where the corners of his mouth seem to pass his eyes??? Yeah, that one ^_^
So, did the "panda-raping ass-ranger" (let’s call him P.R.A.R. for short... btw, that’s a new one in my book of your names for people...) ever stop disturbing your sleep?
Just wondering...
~K
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