If You Have a Mowhawk I'm Going To Set You On Fire

The Vans Warped Tour is in Milwaukee this week. How do I know this? And why do I care? Certainly I wouldn't if I didn't come into direct contact with one of the wastes of human life that frequent the music festival. Allow me to explain... The Vans Warped Tour showcases various punk and alternative rock bands on a nationwide tour every summer. Some of the bands are actually worth listening to. Hell, when I was 15 I actually attended the festival at its stop in Chicago. You may be asking yourself: What do you have against the Warped Tour if you attended it yourself at one point in your life? Obviously, it is the fucking douchebags that go to the shows. Look, these bands may put out some good music but the people who follow them around the country are about useful as a dick that's been plunged into a blender set on puree. Marilyn Manson has actually made music that I enjoy (side note: I know, I know. I swear I never thought I would say that. Honestly, but I've never been one to lie and some of the shit he has produced is pretty good. He just looks like a fucking nightmare.) That, however, doesn't mean that the pale faced little goth shitheads that worship him shouldn't all be caged and gassed Auschwitz style.

But back to my original idea. I have to trek across Milwaukee to pay rent on my house because apparently Carnihan Enterprises does not believe in convenience or customer satisfaction. As I was driving through downtown Milwaukee during the middle of the fucking lunch hour I had the pleasure of sitting in traffic for almost a goddamn hour. Why was this? Naturally, one of the cock mongers attending the show decided it was a good idea for his fucking car to break down in the middle of one of Milwaukee's construction clogged streets. Just off the offramp I took to exit the freeway. So I sat. And waited. And watched. And, of course, I laughed my ass off at the mowhawked dildo screaming at his smoking car. The whole time I prayed for his car to explode and take with it the three dipshits sitting inside of it. Alas, it did not.

What came of this, though, is a thought that I know is not original, and one that I've had before, but it was again brought to my attention. I've done my research (note: my research involved scratching my balls and drinking bourbon straight from the bottle) and I have concluded that reason these little douches dress the way they do is to be nonconformist. Which seems really fucking funny to me because in refusing to conform they ALL LOOK THE FUCKING SAME! Fuck you, asshole, you are not Sid Vicious. And stop trying to channel Joey Ramone. He would fucking weep if he saw you wearing your Blitzkrieg Bop t-shirt that you bought for $30 at Hot Topic. And why is it necessary to spend $50 on fucking hair products? If it takes more than $200 to dress as a nonconformist you are getting raped in the ass AND you are a fucking moron.

In response to the influx of punk rock kids spreading their wanton filth in my formerly pristine city, I propose the building of the world's largest fire pit. After construction of the pit we will light a fire inside of it and simply throw those little cum rags into it. Simple. Effective. Fun. Shit, we can even sell raffle tickets and auction off a chance to be the first to throw someone in the fire. Imagine how much of the city's budget problems we could solve. People would be lining up by the thousands to have a chance to torch a retard in a Misfits shirt.

Look, all of you. Go away. You are approaching territory formerly reserved only for Cubs fans and the fucking dipshit who works at the 24 hour McDonalds that fucked up my order and put the fries in the bag upside down. Needless to say, you are treading dangerous water. Leave peacefully, or I will do to you what prisoners in maximum security jails do to each other. No, you sick fuck. Not the rape. I was talking about the shanks and beatings with tube socks filled with bars of soap.

God you are fucking sick. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Jesus Christ.