Hey Crackheads, I'm Back

Dear Crackheads on Marquette University's Campus,

I'm back for more motherfuckers! Hahahahaha. School started again for the spring semester and I am coming back for more of your toothless mumbling and demands for money. And guess what...I'm going to bring quarters one day a week. That's right, once a week (though you will not be told which day, as I refuse to actually talk with you without making fun of you) I will be walking around campus with a pocket full of change. And, should you manage to salvage your pride I may give you a shiny nickel. However, if you catch me on a day when I do not carry change, I will, as always, tell you to fuck yourself with a rake handle.

Why am I being so nice? Have I had a change of heart, turned a 180 and decided to embrace the more seedy element of the streets of Milwaukee? Fuck. And. No. Honestly, I just have a bunch of change, mostly pennies, that doesn't add up to enough for me to take to a bank. It's not worth my time, so instead I will just give it away to crack bums and then make fun of them in the process. It's entertainment for me, and the bum to whom I am giving a shiny copper penny is one cent closer to that sweet hit off of the crack pipe.

In any case, crackheads, beware. You are now playing Russian Roulette. If you catch me on the one day a week when I have change, congratulations. If you ask me for "money for a sandwich" on any of the other four days of the week, I will simply fucking kill you. I refuse to be compassionate anymore.

You are warned.

Fucking crackheads.

Dear Delicate, Beautiful Snowflake On My Window, Fuck You

Go away. You are not welcome here anymore. You were never welcome here. Do you know why this is? Because you are motherfucking cold! Do you know why that's a problem? Because cold weather blows ostrich cock.


Last night you brought along 30 trillion of your little friends and blanketed my formerly pristine ground with ten inches of cold, shitty terror. Why? There was 48 goddamn inches of snow in December alone.....but the wonderful 60 degree melt that happened 2 weeks ago was phenomenal. So what do you do? Naturally, you go and fuck it up. Eat my cock snowflake!

I am going to fucking blowtorch your icy ass. I'm going to hire fat chicks to blow hot farts all over you. I'm going to have my dog turn you into a yellow snowcone.

Go. The. Fuck. Away. Now.

Motherfucking snowflake.

You Don't Think I Will Find You, But I Will And I'm Going To Fucking Kill You

You. I know who you are. I know where you live. I am going to fucking burn your house down. I am going to stab you in the face with an ice pick. I am going to shoot you in the heart with a motherfucking crossbow. I am going to feed you your own fucking liver after I cut it out of your fucking torso.

You are the motherfucker who robbed my house. You stole nearly $10k worth of my property. Maybe you didn't think I would notice the missing 47 inch TV. Or the computers. Or the 400 DVDs. Or the hundreds of CDs. Or the cash you stole. Or the fact that you left your fucking stench in my house. And drank my beer. Asshole.

I know you live down the street from me. I've seen my television in your fucking window. How bragadocious of you. You motherfucking cocksucking piece of fuck. I am going to slice your nutsack off and feed it to the squirrels living in the pine tree next to my house. You think I'm kidding? We'll see who's kidding when wake up with a fucking steak knife in your back and me standing over you laughing like a retard.

I am going to fucking do you like Big Pussy in The Sopranos. Except in your case, begging not to get shot in the face will do nothing. I am going to make you wish you had never even thought about robbing me.

You are fucking dead, motherfucker.

Fuck.