The Eradication of Your Species

One of the things I would like to do more than anything else is be the responsible party for the extinction of some type of animal. If I was the man who heroically took out the last of the dangerous dodo birds I would certainly capitalize on it and you can bet your ass that I would end up with my own reality television show as a result. My show, however, would consist entirely of me kicking both the reality and living shit out of any other reality TV "star." I'm calling it Survivor - Star Meeting Ass Kick Edition. Think about it. I will be responsible for the extinction of reality television stars. Joe Rogan wouldn't be such a smart-ass piece of fuck after he is forcibly sodomized by the nearly extinct Orangutan that I stole from the zoo. Motherfucker. I'm getting off track, though. I've been thinking about this, and though it would be impracticle to think that I could cause the extinction of every species, I think I could take out the most worthless ones. Here are some other species I would like to personally wipe from memory.

1. The Dodo bird.
I know what you're thinking. I do. You're thinking "wow, he just used the correct form of 'you're' twice in a row." You would be right. But you would be wrong, as well, because the Dodo is already extinct. Well don't worry, I'm bringing that little bastard back for one more ass-kicking. That's right, my first candidate for eradication is already gone. Jesus fuck, my ideas are so far beyond genius they've reverted to stupid. Next stupid animal:

2. The Giraffe.
In all seriousness, this is the most worthless animal in existence. What does it do? Anyone? Anyone have an answer? Hmmmmm. What a complete waste of space. By default the world is a dumber and more inefficient place as a result of the existence of the giraffe. Does it even provide food for a more deserving animal? No. It probably tastes like shit to lions and bears and vampire bats anyway. Stupid fucking giraffe. I want them out of the species race. Gone. Next animal I want to personally extinguish:

3. The Badger.
Fuck the University of Wisconsin. Your animal can't fly. Suck it, badger. Your time is up. Next:

4. The Born Again Christian.
Just. Go. Away. Please. I promise not to stay angry if you just go away and stop telling me anything about god. Please, just leave me the fuck alone you senseless waste of grey matter. The next time one of these pickle-lickers tells me I don't believe in god because I haven't heard or learned enough about him I think I will quietly light myself on fire. Next worthless creature:

5. The Liger.
Bred for its magical powers, huh? How about extinct because too many stupid people are beside themselves with joy when they learn that it's a real animal? Hooray! Next soon-to-be-dead animal:

6. FIBs.
If you have ever seen anyone from Illinois drive you will understand why they need to go. Next:

7. People
Just end us all. I think our collective studipidity is really getting out of hand.

There you have it. The authoritative and comprehensive list of animals that need to be eradicated for the betterment of mankind and the preservation of the earth. Obviously, George Bush belongs on the list, but I decided that it went without saying because, I mean, come on, seriously. Oh fuck it, nevermind. God, he's stupid.