Dear Crackhead that Always Asks Me for Money, I got a Job Today, did You?

Today is a monumental day in the history of this week of my life. Today I got a job. This is not a McDonald's job or one working at the Home Depot (nothing wrong with H.D.), I'm working for a fairly prestigious law firm in the area. Before I go any further, I think I should state this: I hate the idea of being a lawyer and I will never become one, but I love the idea of being paid like one this summer. Hypocritical? Well. . . only if you look at the facts, but fuck that.

Let me repeat: I. GOT. A. JOB. I think it's fair to say that if Jimi Hendrix miraculously rose from the grave and came to party with me he would be so impressed that he would buy the qualuudes and barbiturates for the night. Also, if a beautiful woman wants to provide me with sexual gratification as a token of her respect and admiration she is more than welcome to; however, there is a line so she'll probably have to take a number.

Today is a great day, but it almost certainly could be better. In fact, here is a list of things that could make this day even better:

1. The entire state of Illinois burns to the ground in a freak, statewide campfire accident.

2. The University of Wisconsin ceases to exist. Along with everyone attending the UW Moscow.

3. Chris Berman shuts the hell up on Baseball Tonight. (The next time he refers to the Detroit Tigers as "The Motor City Kitties" I will dispatch a hitman.)

4. Anna Kournikova contacts me in regards to starring alongside her in her upcoming porn shoot.

5. I find a quarter in the street.

6. That quarter is lodged in the windpipe of the crackhead that always hits me up for money on my way to class.

7. I eat a really good sandwich.

8. I find 800+ pages of the lost works of William Faulkner.

9. Guinness always makes the day better.

10. I hit the close elevator button as someone is running up to it with their arms full.

11. Marquette University decides to cap tuition instead of raising it another $14,000 AND we rightfully change our name back to Warriors.

12. I fall asleep tonight surrounded by 37 sexually satisfied young women, all of whom beg me for the opportunity to make me breakfast in the morning.

13. The sports guy from Channel 4 news dies in a freak teleprompter accident. God he fucking blows.

There you have it. Today is good, it probably could be better, but I'm not complaining. More likely than not I will be drinking enough to kill a small horse tonight. Watch out Milwaukee, I'm probably going to be breaking shit tonight. Most likely windows and the jaws of small orphan children.