Politics Cooked Right (Or Left, or to the Middle, or Who Gives a Fuck? They're All Wrong Anyway)

I hate politics. I hate politics because I know enough about it to see through the bullshit for what it really is - professional ass-kissing. This will be the first and last time I ever post about politics or my political views. Let me start by clarifying my opinions on some of the major political figures in America. Here goes:

1. George W. Bush - Dumbest man to ever run this country. I'm fairly certain he can't operate an automatic garage door let alone the most powerful nation in history. He is a moron without a clue.

2. John Kerry - He is a moron with no ideas. I'm very sorry, but this inept piece of shit would have trouble operating that same garage door.

3. Hilary Clinton - Too easy, next.

4. Barack Obama - Everyone probably thinks I'm going to kiss this guy's ass. Wrong. I guarantee he has a dead hooker in his closet or snorted a mile of blow.

5. Al Gore - Yawn. Next.

6. Russ Feingold - Fuck this dirty little cum rag. Everyone with any liberal leanings is lining up to lick this guy's nutsack. I live in the state that this douche represents and I've yet to see anything substantive in return for Wisconsin. Do I think our government should be more transparent? Of course. Do I think think Russ Feingold is an attention-whoring bitch on a stick? You bet.

There you have it. In a nutshell, I hate all politicians. I have my political theory boiled down to a single sentence. If you have made it far enough in politics to run for any major office you have kissed so many asses and distanced yourself so far from the average American that you cannot possibly represent the interests of those people. Politicians are indebted only to those who contribute to their campaigns and special interests groups that carry enough sway to make said politicians worry about the future status of their positions as "elected" officials.

I can't lay the blame for the sad state of political affairs in our nation squarely on the shoulders of the politicians, though. In America today the majority of people want things taken care of by others. It is much easier to say "Senator Assbag McDouche from Wisconsin is looking out for my interests and he'll take care of me" than it is to think and act for oneself. People give up freedom and control of their lives and thoughts much too readily. Those who think that the government is looking out for the little guy are drinking the Kool Aid that Rush Limbaugh - that dirty scrote-sniffing, puppy-raping, hillbilly-heroin eating, cock monger Rush Limbaugh - likes to talk about on his wonderful and insightful talk show (even sarcastically calling his show insightful hurts to write). Mmmmm, that's some mighty tasty bullshit that everyone is being fed.

Does this mean that I have the solution to this problem? Of course not, because that would mean that I would have this narrowed down to a single amendable problem. The fact of the matter is that this place is severely fucked up and in need of many major changes. And I don't have the answers. Oh shit, wait. I found the answers. Here they are:

1. Burn down Congress. I know it seems drastic, but it has to be done. Of course all of the currently elected politicians will be required to attend an emergency meeting of Congress on the day we torch the place, but that's only natural.

2. People are required to take some type of reasoning and intelligence test before they comment on the state of affairs in the world. The next time someone says "Git 'er Done" when referring to the debacle in Iraq I will simply explode. Seriously, I will blow up with the force of fifty tons of dynamite. In fact, the next person to say that, period, will be on the receiving end of my fist.

3. George W. Bush is required to eat only pretzels for the rest of his term as president. You see what I'm insinuating here? Do ya? Do ya? No? Ahhh fuck it, nevermind.

4. Fuck it, let's just make George Carlin president. At least the State of the Union speech will be amusing.

So, the next time you think you have the right answer when it comes to politics, keep it to yourself. You are wrong. I am wrong. We are all wrong. Why? Easy. This country is fucked up beyond quick and simple repair. The people running it are just a step above functionally retarded. The people living in it are straddling that line, too. Let's all just agree to shut up and bite the pillow as we take it in the ass for another two years from our current president. Maybe after that we'll elect someone who knows what he or she is doing.

Who the fuck am I kidding, the next president will be a fuck up as well. Stupid fucking political arena. If I was old enough to run for president I would totally do . . . ahhhhh, almost fell into that one. What a country. Fuck.