When I travel out of state I sometimes come in contact with people who will ask me stupid questions about Wisconsin, the state in which I was born and still reside. The one I get most often is this: "Do you live on a dairy farm?" No, I don't. Fuck you. I don't know a single person who has ever lived on a dairy farm. I've milked a cow once in my life and I think I was about 7 at the time. I've only been to a dairy farm 2 or 3 times ever. Needless to say, I'm pretty citified.
Having said all that, I'm here to reinforce a stereotype. Wisconsin produces the milk that this country consumes. And the cheese. And all of the other dairy shit that we all love. Do you know who doesn't? California. Fuck California. Happy cows do not come from California. They come from Wisconsin.
Real California Cheese Is Made With Sadness And Dead Babies Fuck you California. Give our cows back. You have Hollywood, the Golden Gate Bridge, the ocean, and lots and lots of gay people. Let us have our cows.
You know what else? Cows hate earthquakes. And Schwarzenegger. And LA.
If you are a heterosexual male possessing all the necessary tools then I can almost guarantee that you have two women in mind that would comprise your ultimate threesome. Unfortunately only three or four men in history have ever achieved their goal, but that should not and does not keep us from holding out hope for the future.
I'm no different than anyone else. I have my perfect threesome, and is it ever perfect. I'm getting a chub just thinking about it. My perfect threeway slam-fest consists of the following:
+
+
Me
=
That's right. My perfect threesome consists of the sexy blonde chick from Scrubs, Sarah Chalke, and Natalie Portman. Everytime I think about this scenario I hear a choir of angels singing in my head. I am not joking in the slightest when I say that I would commit genocide to make this a reality. I would burn down a fucking orphanage to get these two naked with me at the same time.
Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go make love to my hand. I've got impure thoughts running through my mind.
I figured I should write something since it's been a while. I was searching my mind for topics when it dawned on me that I have been watching The Flintstones for more than two hours straight. I fucking love that cartoon. Fred Flintstone is a man amongst boys and Wilma is a sexy little Bedrock minx. I'd love to throw down with her and Betty Rubble while Fred and Barney are off at the quarry busting their asses for Mr. Slate. Anyway, here's a list of reasons why Fred Flintstone is better than you and me:
He has a pet dinosaur.
His car has to weigh like eight tons. And he drives with his feet. Badass.
Sabertooth tiger can opener. Only a real man can provide these kinds of household conveniences for his woman.
His best friend Barney has no fucking eyeballs. That would scare the shit out of me. Not Fred Flintstone. Dude just keeps on keepin' on.
His work apparatus is another dinosaur. The guy fucking owns dinosaurs. Remember in Jurassic Park when Robert Muldoon gets mauled by the velociraptor? Fred Flintstone would have kicked that fucker in the balls and made him play fetch with his own dinosaur dick.
He wears an orange shirt with a blue tie. The man is a fucking trendsetter.
During one episode he fucking promoted Winston cigarettes. Don't believe me? Look at this:
I think I make my point. Fred Flintstone is the shit. Dinosaur Killing Motherfucker
It's early evening here in Milwaukee and I am hungry as fucking hell. I just looked in the refrigerator and couldn't find anything that looked appetizing. Nothing. I'm kind of tired of eating the same food over and again. I just don't want to eat chicken anymore.
I want to eat an endangered animal. I want to chomp down on a fucking Siberian tiger. I want to whet my appetite with filet of cheetah. If I could get my hands on an emperor penguin, I'd make that motherfucker my dinner.
My point here is, I'm getting bored eating cows, chickens and pigs. I need some variety in my diet. I need something different. I need some endangered California condor.
