Boom Goes the Propane Tank

Holy fucking shit, Batman!!! An asplosion!!! Wednesday morning at about 8:10am I was sitting on the edge of my bed tying my shoes before leaving for work when my fucking apartment started shaking. My first thought, of course, was "who the fuck drove a car into my building?" I soon found out, though, that a propane tank had exploded in a factory building about 20 blocks from where I live, leveling the 1.5 million sq. ft. warehouse, injuring over 40 people and killing 3. Obviously this propane tank was just slightly bigger than the one suburban yuppies use to grill their tofu burgers. This is pretty sad so I'm not going to make a joke about it, but it also was pretty intense. Walking out of my apartment and seeing the smoke rising above the Menominee Valley and the flames shooting out of the gutted building made me start thinking about things I would like to blow up. I've provided this handy list for you in case you have been wondering. If you haven't, well, read it anyway. It can't hurt to practice your reading skills, ignoramus.

Here ya go:

1. The Scrub-A-Dub car wash next to my house.
I swear to everything holy that I am on the edge of twisting off and nuking the fucking car wash. The next time I am woken up on Saturday morning at 7:30am by gangsta rap blasting from a purple Impala with fake rims I am going to start shooting. . . Remember when I wrote about how I need someone to hate for no reason? Bear that in mind when reading what I write next. . . Every fucking weekend I am woken up by screaming black people who can't decide if 50 Cent is better than Nelly (that's a stupid argument, too, as they both suck fat donkey cock). I don't give a shit if your car costs more than your house - and I'm certain that it does - you don't need to be fucking clean it at such a ridiculous hour. How the fuck is it that you can't wake up and go get a fucking job but you make it a sacred ritual to vacuum your car directly below my fucking window every Saturday? Hey Hey, Ho Ho, the Scrub-A-Dub is gonna blow!!!!! I hate you, carwash. Next.

2. The Mall
Children running around knocking shit over. Retarded parents screaming at those children in vain. High school douche bags wandering around aimlessly. Cell phone salesmen every twelve goddamn feet. The morbidly obese cows stuffing themselves in the food court. Nearly everything about the fucking mall pisses me off. Sure it's cool for picking up aging women with three kids or buying the coolest and newest piece of shit at Hot Topic, but with few other exceptions the mall is pretty much the commercial and social equivalent of having your gay uncle beat the shit out of you and then show the pictures of it to your friends. After he rapes you with a stick. And the thing with the stuffed panda bear that somehow got on the internet. You know what I'm talking about. Do you know how often I have to wade through the sea of cock-smoking delinquents doing nothing in a store just to find whatever it is I'm looking for? Never, because I don't go to the mall. But if I did you can bet your kids' lives that I would have to. I know these things. I didn't even have to go there to find out. Clairvoyance. That's what I'm all about. Next soon-to-be crater.

3. Planned Parenthood
After I get my free condoms. And STD test. And some RU486. Then that fucking place is gone. I live quite literally 400 feet from a Planned Parenthood building. And I've seen the crackheads and other people that seem to be drawn to it like moths to bright light. I'm not saying that I have to blow up every Planned Parenthood in the country, just the one by my apartment. Eric Rudolph already tried that. He only got 2. I've done my research and found that there are 117 Planned Parenthood clinics in America. That means that he only got 1.7% of the clinics in the country. Pathetic. Obviously, there is a reason for this. My friend told me it was the police or something like that, but, you know.... I mean, my friend is kind of a dipshit, but it probably was the cops, you know. Whatever. Anyway, if that fucking place isn't sterilizing their patients then it is doing no good. It's inefficient and losing money, and if Planned Parenthood is about anything, it's the bottom line! So in fact, I'm doing Planned Parenthood a favor by blowing up this one little building on Wisconsin Ave. in Milwaukee. Nobody will even notice. If nothing else panhandling in the area will almost cease. Why is this? You guessed it. I'm putting all of the crackheads in the building before I blow it up. How am I going to do this? Yep, that's right. Magic. I do it all the time. I stand in front of the mirror in my bedroom and chant the magic words I'd fuck me while pretending to be Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. And then I have a tea party with my stuffed animals. Girls think I'm sexy!!

More to come.....