Whatever Comes to Mind

I have a pretty vivid imagination. As such, I tend to daydream when I am supposed to be doing other things. Right now I'm sitting at my desk at work and I am supposed to be making billing summaries. Imagine, if you can, being hit in the temporal lobe with a small missile and then taking a quick punch to the nuts for good measure. Doing billing summaries sucks worse than that, and getting a nutshot sucks a mile of donkey dick. Anyway, instead of doing what I get paid to do I'm going to pretend to be doing what I get paid to do and write some of my fucked up and irrational thoughts. Here you go:

1. Wouldn't it be cool if, for just one day, it was legal to buy a hooker and then keep her chained to a pole outside of a good friend's house? I would get the fattest, most disgusting cum-dumpster I could find on 20th and National and then handcuff her fat ass to a stop sign outside of someone's home. How long do you think she would struggle to climb up and over the sign before she gave up and just sat down and moaned quietly like an injured animal? Rereading that entire thought, I can understand why many of my religious friends tell me I will end up in the third or fourth ring of hell.

2. I fucking hate Microsoft Excel. Not because I don't understand it, but rather because I do. I am the guy in the office who can do all the major tasks that everyone else can do but can also do the stuff like this so the lawyers pawn their fucking work off on me. Little do they know that I have very little vested interest in these matters and truthfully don't give two shits about the quality of work I produce.

3. I feel like hunting an endangered animal right now. I think I would like to shoot a cheetah more than anything at this very moment.

4. I bet I could punt a baby like a football over 30 yards. With 4.3 seconds of hangtime.

5. If you have ever worked in an office you know about the strange smells that result when people bring food into or make it in the office. I'm smelling that shit right now and I want to violently ruin the day of whoever put garlic flavored shit in the microwave.

6. If Jesus were alive today I bet he would get tons of ass.

7. Have you ever felt like breaking a computer just to see if you had the stones to do it? If I grow a pair and come up with $1000 in the next twenty seconds this post is going to be ended.

8. I didn't break the computer. I did, however, break the company record for number of hot interns and office girls bending over in front of me in the copy room. It may just be me, but I think every single one of the girls in here wants to do me. It's probably just me. It is? Are you sure? Oh. Fuck you, disembodied voice.

There you go. My thoughts run the gamut of angry to sociopathic and then crash back toward horny and juvenile. And for the record, Jesus would pull more tail than a guy with a ten inch dick at a nymphomaniac convention.