The Greatest Singer Ever

Fact: Eddie Money is a fucking badass.

Fact #2: Eddie Money can rock so hard that your balls will literally fall off.

Fact #3: Neither your nor I will ever be as cool as Eddie Money. Don't even waste your time thinking about the possibility. It's just not happening.

Why is Eddie Money so fucking awesome? Check this out:



Can you rock that hard? Fuck no. Nobody can. Did you see the fucking hair? Simply put, Eddie Money is the tits. And the balls. And the asshole. And every other body part used to describe someone so impossibly awesome that it boggles the fucking mind.

Since we cannot aspire to be so cool, what can we learn from Eddie? For starters, we can learn that only Eddie Money is able to save prostitutes from their wretched existence. Second, we learn that singing alone in an enormous arena is fucking sweet. And finally, we again learn that no matter what we do in life, nothing will ever be as important as Eddie singing "Take Me Home Tonight."

Eddie, I would fellate you on command.

Just say the fucking word, and it's slob city.

My hero....

There Is Another

Two days ago I penned a thoughtful and heartfelt letter to my beloved Pam Beasley. At the time I was mesmerized by my dearest Pam's siren call. I was hers.

My most cherished Pam, I am sorry, but there is another. One who speaks to my heart as no other can. One who gives my life meaning.






















Erin Esurance, I would tear yo' ass up! Girl, I would do things to you that are illegal in 48 states. Erin, in short, I would blow your motherfucking cartoon mind all over the table I want to bend your slamming hot cartoon ass over. Girl, I'ma get up in those guts. I'm gonna give you a hysterectomy with ma' pork sword. You ain't even gonna need fucking insurance 'cause, baby, I'm gonna do that shit for free. I'm gonna bang the purple out of your hair girl. You know all those crazy flips and shit you do on your commercials? You ain't doing that for at least a week after I get done splitting you like a sexy little cartoon log.

Erin, clear your schedule. I'm going to drill you like a Texas oil well.

Pam, you're invited, too.

My Everything

My beloved Pam Beasley, I cannot continue to live this lie for a moment longer. No longer can I deny my love for you. Some things in this world are simply too precious to keep bottled up inside, hidden from the world like a proverbial lamp 'neath a basket.

Pam, my delicate flower, come to me. Embrace my love and allow yourself to be consumed by my passion. Let yourself free and I will show you a world where anything is possible.

My beloved, my muse, my everything...please do not deny me the only thing for which my heart longs.

There are no words I can use to do justice to the sheer beauty which you exude.

You are my everything.

Please...

And fuck Jim Halpert. That cockbite can lick a chocolate starfish. What the fuck is the deal with that pickle-licker?

Also, you have a fucking kick-ass rack and your backyard ain't nothing to scoff at, either.

Let me show you...

Let me show you...

Let me show you...

...my penis.