Don't EVER Steal From Me

I caught someone stealing from me on Friday night. He wasn't trying to steal my wallet or my identity or my girlfriend, this wretched piece of shit actually went into my apartment and tried to steal my shit. And I caught him. Red-handed. He took off. I caught him. I beat the living shit out of him. I extracted a promise from him to never steal again. He will break that promise, no doubt. Asshole. This is what will happen to you if you ever steal from me. This is what else will happen:

1. I'ma kill yo ass.

2. I'm going to force feed your testicle to you and then kick you in your empty sack just so that you know you are no longer in possession of a working pair of nuts.

3. Ever been sodomized by an angry lion? You will be if you steal from me.

4. Do you know why small children and animals eat rat poison? Because it tastes sweet. You are going to find this out first-hand. Because I'm going to force about 8 lbs of it down your fucking throat.

5. Pirannhas will be employed to eat your face.

6. Am I going to repeatedly hit you in the spine with a baseball bat? You bet I am.

7. There are numerous tall buildings in the Milwaukee area. I'm throwing you off one of them.

The moral of this all - don't fucking steal from me. I don't go into your house and take shit from you while you are gone, please extend the same courtesy to me. Or I'll kill you. And if you think I'm kidding, then fucking try me.

Fucking thief.

Entertaining? Eh. Insightful? No. Beyond Fucked Up? Certainly

I wrote the following poem during work today. Ummmmm, I can't even describe or explain it - and I wrote the fucking thing. I just don't know. Whatever.

How does one define or quantify the values he holds?
Impossible . . . or at the very least difficult.
Kill all the infidels!!
Introspection is a gift one gives to himself.
Self understanding is what he receives in return.
I don't bone fat chicks.
Day after day, I struggle to learn what it is that gives me value and defines me.
Day after day I learn that the more I know the more I want to know.
So I'm balls deep in this nine-year-old and my clown nose falls off . . .
The search for self-knowledge is endless
The knowledge of oneself is priceless
The best way to get rid of the dead-hooker smell is Lysol
Undoubtedly, there is more to know than any person could learn in ten lifetimes
Though seemingly daunting, this can also be a driving force in the quest for self-knowledge
Having sex with your boss's wife is the best way to earn a promotion
Look inside, see yourself, know what it is that makes you work
And you will see far beyond what meets the ordinary eye
The University of Wisconsin promotes the rape of defenseless animals

I don't even know what to say about this. It's different, so, whatever. God help my twisted mind.

A Bit Chilly

New Years Day. It is 8 degrees Fahrenheit. You have just consumed an entire bottle of jager. Before 11am. What do you do next?

Well, if you are me you wear a toga and a santa hat and jump into Lake Michigan with the Polar Bear Club.