A Very Important Question

Introspective interrogation, in the vast majority of cases, can only result in better self understanding which often leads to personal betterment. I often sit down and think about where I stand in respect to certain issues and questions pertaining to me, and in doing so I was led to a very natural question that is pertinent to many people. How many 8 year olds could I fight at one time?

There are a few stipulations that must be addressed. The 8 year olds are all about the same in terms of strength and stamina and each will continue fighting me until dead or incapacitated. No pansy-ass 2nd graders allowed, each kid keeps on coming. There are no weapons involved and each side, the 8 year olds and myself, has one day to train. Here is an objective analysis of what would result if (god-willing) this ever happens:

I am a pretty big guy (6'5", 195lbs), but I am by no means anyone who could double as a NYC bouncer or a UFC fighter. Having said that, after all is said and done I believe I could take 54 eight year olds. Here is the breakdown:

The first line of 8 year olds would surely charge at me. They would jump on me and immediately try to overwhelm me. This, of course, will not work. I will simply single each out and deliver quick and calculated jabs to each individual face I see. You see, these stupid fucking 8 year olds will concern themselves with taking me out in one shot whereas I will incapacitate as many as possible, leaving them on the floor writhing in pain and unable to return immediately to the fight. Doing this will allow me to return later to the ones that I don't immediately kill and take them out as well.
Initial death toll - 12

Soon, though, the second wave of these little bastards will be upon me. I will undoubtedly be tired from the first wave that I valiantly fought off, but, like the superhero I am, I will never ignore my duty to destroy the lives of young children. In response to this next wave I will immediately grab the first kid that comes at me and use him as a battering ram to break the line of little devils coming at me. By separating them I will be able to quickly pick out single targets and deliver jabs to the face, knocking those kids unconscious and allowing me to come back to them later. After eliminating enough single targets I will undoubtedly be able to take out the rest of the group that hasn't been turned into cream-of-child soup.
Secondary death toll - 14 +12 = 26

Don't let anyone tell you differently, 8 year olds are not nearly as dumb as they seem (they can't possibly be). After seeing their counterparts dismantled by my iron fist they will formulate a plan to take me out on all sides. Of course, 8 year olds are not as smart as they are given credit for, either, and again I will fight off the attack. These little shitheads keep coming. At about this time I will summon, from deep within the depths of my soul, a second (or possibly third, I can't remember) source of energy to take down the evil empire of 8 year olds. I will unleash a primal scream the likes of which will cause each child to start crying for his or her mother. Then I will start beating indiscriminately. I will deliver blow upon blow until the little geniuses figure out what is happening. By this time, though, there will not be enough of them left to mount a significant offensive and I soon will have vanquished the oncoming horde.
Tertiary death toll - 16 + 26 = 42

After the third wave of snot nosed hole-in-the-condom-mistakes is dispatched by the likes of your truly I will surely be in the twilight of my defense. Valiantly I will prop myself up against a wall and wait for the next wave of kids to come at me. I will surely take out the first group of kids but, as even the greatest fighters understand, I will soon have nothing left to give and will be taken down. Worry not, though, for I will live on in the memories of all the people I have saved by unselfishly taking out these dangerous children. In the distant future, I will surely be remembered as a great liberator and people will recount the tale of my final battle while women weep as my final breath is described.
Final death toll - 12 + 42 + 1 = 55

After my objective and unbiased analysis I have determined that I could take out 54 eight year olds before succumbing to their grabby little hands and ultimately sacrificing myself for the good of humanity. In fact, I'm a whole lot like Jesus. You know, if Jesus killed kids. Which he certainly did.

This all leads to another question, though. Where do I get 54 eight year old kids to beat down? The orphanage? The dog pound? Can I buy them on the black market? Fuck it, I'll just steal them from their parents while they sleep. Damn, I am such a good problem solver. Hahaha, and I'm better than Jesus. He'd only take out 40. Loser.