4th Grade Throwdown

This will probably be the most childish thing I ever write. This post will be very simple. I'm going to target certain newsworthy people and make fun of them mercilessly. Everything I write here is the truth. I'm going to cut loose like I'm in the 4th grade again.

Terry Schiavo - Hi Terry! How's it going? What did you say? Ohhh, right. Sorry. How's the feeding tube working out? It's not? How come? Ohhh, right, the whole dead thing. I forgot. Well hey, if it makes you feel any better, my friends and I now refer to comatose drunkeness as being "Schiavo'd," so your name will always live on, kind of like you did for a decade before, you know, dying and shit.

That was bad.

Gay Marriage Opponents - You are all scared little cum rags who cling to "tradition" even in the face of overwhelming logic. I guess we can't all be intelligent, reasonable people, though huh? I'm not gay. I'm never going to be gay. Fuck, I haven't even seen Brokeback Mountain, but I can see through all of the "reasons" against gay marriage. Slippery slope you say? I say I'm going to hit you with my 9 iron. And then I'm going to get a huge male stripper to sodomize you. You think I'm kidding? Hahaha, we'll see.

The Homeless Guy Outside of My Apartment - You smell like something that was deep fried at George Webb's. There are lots of homeless people in the world, but for some reason you have been pissing me off more than the others. Why is that? Is it because you begin every morning by saying "Hey man, you . . . you . . . you don't know me and I've never met you before but my car ran out of gas. . ."? Yes. It most certainly and unequivically is. You have met me and I hate you. You don't have a car. You don't even own a bar of soap. Go away from me you piece of shit. And if you ever again comment on the girl I take home, I will simply end your life. No joke.

Sigfried or Roy, whichever was nearly eaten by a tiger - Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. (Deep breath) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Oh shit. Wow. I'm sorry. Goddamn, that must have hurt. I mean, a tiger tried to eat your head. There is no way anyone who has never almost been devoured by a tiger can't find this funny. Also, that last sentence did make perfect grammatical sense. Hilarious. I'll bet he tasted like shit, though. That's probably why the tiger didn't just swallow him whole. Stupid Roy. Or Sigfried. Fuck them, they're both stupid. Who plays with tigers? I'll tell you who. Dumbass magicians who deserve to be eaten.

President Bush - Hang in there buddy. Only two more years of fucking up the nation before it's all over and you can go back to Texas and rope goats, er, steers. I'm behind you all the way. You Can Do It!

The Husband of the Runaway Bride - GODDAMNIT WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM MAN?!?!?! SHE GAVE YOU THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO NOT GET MARRIED!!! CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW BADLY YOU FUCKED UP? HER EYES ARE TOO BIG AND YOUR COGNITIVE ABILITY IS TOO NONEXISTENT. ON BEHALF OF MEN EVERYWHERE I DEMAND YOU RETURN YOUR TESTICLES IMMEDIATELY AND BEGIN ESTROGEN TREATMENT. GODDAMNIT, SOMETHING THAT GREAT HAPPENS TO A MAN ONCE OR TWICE IN A LIFETIME. . .

The Guy in the Office that is Wearing Pink Pants - I swear to Christ he is wearing pink pants. How insanely stupid. Pink. Why?

The Crack Head that Broke into my Apartment Building - You were one door away from being in my apartment. Should you ever breach that door I will buy more crack than you have ever seen from the drug dealer on the corner and make you smoke it until you OD and die.

OPEC - Assholes. It cost me my third-born child to buy gas yesterday. Do you know why that is? Because I've already sold my other kids for beer and hooker money. Jesus Christ!! I shouldn't have to go throught the fucking hassle of producing more offspring just so I can sell them to fill up the tank. Enough is enough, and I'm looking right at you Bahrain. Yeah, you. Don't stare at your shoes, look at me like a man. Look at me!!

China - 1 billion Asians in the same place kind of scares me. Maybe it's just me.

America - 200 millions white people in the same place scares me just as much. But not as much as. . .

The South - Oh dear Christ. Why does your gun rack have a gun rack? I like to kill people indiscriminantly, too, but I usually just capture my victims and perform, solo, various pieces of Shakespearean drama until they are rendered unconscious. Then I feed them to Rosie O'Donnell. What can I say, she's not a picky eater. Unlike my second child, who is probably giving a shit fit to the Mexican couple I sold her to. I said she was a hard worker and was showing a keen interest in coal mining. I lied, though. She hates coal mining. The little piss ant wouldn't even fix my car. Worthless infants. What are they good for if they can't fix the transmission? I'll tell you. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Jesus - Oh la de da, "I'm the son of god. I do wonderful things and walk on water." Yeah, well I can drive stick and make really good sandwiches, so, in the grand scheme of things, I'm much more important.

There you go. I have covered a broad range of people and geographic regions of the world. Now, there is only one thing left to do. Get beer. I'd better start working on that fourth kid. I don't want to have to sell one of the neighbor's kids again. The last time I was arrested for kidnap I had to spend the entire weekend in jail and now I can't go within one hundred feet of them. Assholes, what do they expect me to do when I know a guy who can get $50k per kid? Not sell them? Highly unlikely.