A Day in the Life

7:15 - Wake up. Hit snooze. Fall back asleep.

7:37 - Wake up again because alarm has been going off for 7 minutes. Smash alarm clock with fist. Fucking clock.

7:46 - Shower. Marvel at the size of my penis. Almost slip in the shower. Perform miraculous and acrobatic aerial maneuver to save my ass.

8:01 - Drink first of nineteen cups of coffee.

8:03 - Drink second of nineteen cups of coffee.

8:07 - Put on pants.

8:09 - Put on shirt.

8:10 - Rebutton shirt because first attempt was a failure.

8:20 - Start wishing I didn't have to go to work. Begin thinking of excuses for being four hours late.

8:35 - Leave for work.

8:39 - Get cut off for the first time. Give finger. Yell obscenities.

8:55 - Arrive at work. Stare at hot intern from my office.

9:35 - Still haven't done anything productive.

10:19 - Look at first case file. Auto claim. Boring. Nap time.

11:37 - Wake up from nap. Time for lunch.

12:01 - Return to my apartment. Have first of six beers. Proceed to drink the other five.

12:58 - Decide to return to work. I got shit to do.

1:27 - Return to work. Sit in my office. Decide not to do anything.

2:00 - Boss walks in the office. Asks about the service of a subpoena - the one thing I've actually done this week. Yes!! Tell him it's all taken care of and that the other intern is a lazy piece of shit. Receive hearty congratulations.

2:31 - Decide that my time here is done. I've put in a good day's work. Time to start drinking.

2:49 - Return to apartment. Start on the tequila.

3:31 - Passed out drunk.

5:43 - Friends stop by. It's time to go to the bar.

6:12 - Finish my fourth Vodka and Tonic. Alcohol is my friend.

6:28 - Hit on hot girl at the bar. She doesn't slap me or turn the other way. I'm in.

6:31 - Tell her fellatio is a precursor to receiving shiny things from me. Get slapped.

6:32 - Jager bombs. Lots of them.

7:00 - Leave the bar. After being asked. By the owner. Who is holding a gun. And pointing it at me.

7:20 - Arrive at the next bar. Immediately order tequila shots.

7:32 - I am a fucking wasteland. Time to pull my shit together.

7:34 - Order Vodka and Red Bull. I immediately perk up. My fate is sealed.

8:00 - Start telling girls that I am rich.

8:03 - I am surrounded by girls who think I'm rich.

8:05 - Call them all gold-digging whores.

8:06 - I am no longer surrounded by hot girls.

9:02 - Go to new bar.

9:07 - Consume half of what would have been my 17th drink of the day. Other half migrates down the front of my shirt.

9:35 - The fat chick saddled up to the bar is looking really good right now.

9:37 - Ask friends if the fat girl is really as fat as she seems.

9:38 - Friends tell me to go for it.

9:39 - Tell friends to fuck themselves for trying to make me hit on fat girl.

11:00 - 2:12 - (Scene missing)

2:17 - Wake up at apartment with no pants, half eaten Taco Bell on the table, and a girl passed out in my bed.

2:18 - Smile.

2:20 - Wake her up and make her night better.

3:12 - Fall asleep exhausted and drunk.

7:15 - Wake up and kick girl out. Start day anew.