Shut The Fuck Up

Have you ever been out on a weekend night, perhaps admiring the fine drinking-type establishments on Marquette's campus from a distance, and overheard any of the following phrases?

Dude I'm soooo wasted. I musta drank like forty shots of grain alcohol.

or
That bitch was such a slut! She sucked for twenty minutes and never took her mouth off.

or
I gotta get laid tonight. I brought my "A" game.

or
So I was railing this chick in the bathroom back at Caffree's and....


I'm sure that you have. Now allow me to systematically and efficiently rip new assholes for the cock-mongers that spew these wholly untrue (shocking, I know) statements.

Dear Guy Who Says This Shit,

Please know that before I go any further I want you to die a slow and painful death, preferably from cholera, dysentary, or any other disease made popular by the Oregon Trail computer game. Also know that I am trying to help you discontinue your journey down the path to douchebag-dom. Down to business.

You need to stop saying anything that you think makes you sound like a badass. Why? Easy, you're a pole-smoking dipshit who couldn't get laid with a fistful of twenties in a whorehouse. You are an inept piece of shit and you have to realize this before I can help you.

You need to stop making audible predictions to everyone regarding the possibility of you getting laid. Here is the rule: If you talk about it more than once you are trying too hard and you are going to end up tugging it while watching The Smurfs and crying.

You need to stop making shit up about "laying the pipe in the alley behind the bar." First, that's fucking gross. I'm being completely honest when I say that if you can't wait ten minutes for a cab to take you and you're cumdumpster home but you can successfully take said jizz-receptacle to the back alley for a parting of the beef curtain then you are an impatient asshole and you penetrate common street trash. Second, you are a liar. There is no alley behind Caffree's. Tell the truth, cocksucker!!

You need to stop talking about your "A" game. You have no game. You don't even have a "D" game. You are a loser. Shut up.

Fuck it, you need to shoot yourself. In the stomach. You can survive a stomach wound like that for over a day. After that shoot yourself in the head. You won't survive that, asshole.

Bastard.

Love,

Michael