Newsflash: I'm Not Dead Yet

It's been awhile....... I know, goddamn. Almost 3 months since I wrote anything in this little slice of internet heaven. Since it's been so long I'll update the three of you who read this and fill you in on the happenings in my life. If you give a shit. Which you almost certainly don't. If that's the case then get fucked. Anyway.....

On the first of June I moved into a new house. It is, to say the very least, much better than my previous residence. Why is this? There are no fucking crackheads, of course. Nope, now instead of wading through a sea of toothless rock-smokers who smell like something my dog might try to eat I get to drive through a sea of shit-eating little children who like to run around the fucking street and ride their bikes in front of my car as I'm coming back from work. I'm not really sure what is worse - walking down the street each day knowing that I might have to fight off and kill Dipshit McCrackpipe or driving down WestGrand Lane knowing that I might have to soon remove an eight year old from the space between my license plate holder and the front bumper. I have long advocated the construction of a fence surrounding one of the Hawaiian islands so that children between the ages of 10 and 16 can be sent there away from people like me who have sense enough not to chase a fucking soccer ball into oncoming traffic. I'm going to make that a reality one day. I'm starting with all of the kids on my block....

Also, as if it matters to anyone, I still work for a local law firm. The best part about all of it? No one has found out about the shit that I write here and fired because of it. Also, the free coffee is nice. Actually, the best part is the coffee, fuck that other thing.

One more note about my new house, and then I'll finish this shit off with a letter I wrote to all of my former friends on 24th St. The ones without any teeth. Or deodorant. Anyway, one of my neighbors is a 36 year old weed smoking former metalhead who almost certainly forgot his brain in the 80's. Fortunately for me, since he provides the kind of unintentional comedy that I love so very much, he does not have access to a time machine to go back and get his brain. This guy is high 8 days a week and works for a telemarketing company that his roommate runs out of their house. I wish I could describe him better. Just imagine what a washed-up burned-out metalhead looks and acts like and I guarantee you will be spot on.

Finally, I'll wrap this up by sharing with you a letter I have written to all of my crackhead brethren...

Dear Pipe Smokers,

Before I go any farther I would first like you all to know that I enjoyed my time living amongst you. Sure, I was inside of a building while you were sleeping next to the carwash or in dumpsters, but that did nothing to diminish the closeness I came to feel to all of you. I am going to miss the toothless grins and the many times you berated me for only giving you a quarter, and I will never forget the looks on your faces when I would fish around my pockets for change, knowing full well I had none, before telling you to get fucked. So full of hope. Such anticipation before I crushed your dreams of procuring white rocks. How can I thank you enough for offering to pump my gas for me after I had given you a dollar? The handles on those things are difficult to operate, and the automatic pump mechanism is very tricky. I'm just glad I had experts on hand to help me through such a trying ordeal. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I cannot believe our time together has come to an end. I will miss each and every one of you.

If there is only one thing I can say to you it is this: If any of you come near me again I will fucking run you over with my car. I'm serious. Fuck all of you filthy, mangy pieces of shit. If you follow me to my new house I will douse you with gasoline and set you on fire using a magnifying glass and sunlight. If it is cloudy, I will use a Bic lighter. I'm not fucking around anymore. I hate all of you. Please die.

Love,
Michael



I don't feel so angry anymore......