Shut The Fuck Up

Have you ever been out on a weekend night, perhaps admiring the fine drinking-type establishments on Marquette's campus from a distance, and overheard any of the following phrases?

Dude I'm soooo wasted. I musta drank like forty shots of grain alcohol.

or
That bitch was such a slut! She sucked for twenty minutes and never took her mouth off.

or
I gotta get laid tonight. I brought my "A" game.

or
So I was railing this chick in the bathroom back at Caffree's and....


I'm sure that you have. Now allow me to systematically and efficiently rip new assholes for the cock-mongers that spew these wholly untrue (shocking, I know) statements.

Dear Guy Who Says This Shit,

Please know that before I go any further I want you to die a slow and painful death, preferably from cholera, dysentary, or any other disease made popular by the Oregon Trail computer game. Also know that I am trying to help you discontinue your journey down the path to douchebag-dom. Down to business.

You need to stop saying anything that you think makes you sound like a badass. Why? Easy, you're a pole-smoking dipshit who couldn't get laid with a fistful of twenties in a whorehouse. You are an inept piece of shit and you have to realize this before I can help you.

You need to stop making audible predictions to everyone regarding the possibility of you getting laid. Here is the rule: If you talk about it more than once you are trying too hard and you are going to end up tugging it while watching The Smurfs and crying.

You need to stop making shit up about "laying the pipe in the alley behind the bar." First, that's fucking gross. I'm being completely honest when I say that if you can't wait ten minutes for a cab to take you and you're cumdumpster home but you can successfully take said jizz-receptacle to the back alley for a parting of the beef curtain then you are an impatient asshole and you penetrate common street trash. Second, you are a liar. There is no alley behind Caffree's. Tell the truth, cocksucker!!

You need to stop talking about your "A" game. You have no game. You don't even have a "D" game. You are a loser. Shut up.

Fuck it, you need to shoot yourself. In the stomach. You can survive a stomach wound like that for over a day. After that shoot yourself in the head. You won't survive that, asshole.

Bastard.

Love,

Michael

I've Been In Jail

I have returned. Jail was an eye-opening experience. Especially when you've been convicted of possessing child/midget porn and an entire hard-drive full of child on midget on horse porn. I guess my tastes are slightly different than the rest. Whatever, I'll never give up my tiny person-tiny person-huge animal fetish. Never. As an apology to my 7 readers I will write the most offensive and foul-mouthed post ever. As Samuel L. Jackson said in Jurassic Park, "Hold onto your butts..."

I need a racial prejudice. Or a non-racial prejudice. I don't give a flying fuck. Some people hate black people simply because they are black. I don't, and can't, really. It seems like a stupid reason to hate anyone. But I need one. I want to be a bigoted piece of shit and I want to be one for no particular reason. So, here is the list of people I could potentially hate for no reason at all:

Asians - Unfortunately there are just too many of them to hate. And they're so cute with their little slanty eyes and broken Engrish. Plus, I mean, come on . . . Me so horny!! Me ruv you rong time!! Hahahahaha. Ohh, who am I kidding? I just can't hate them. It's like hating a puppy. Impossible.

The Elderly - "Old people die. . . it's what they do. . ." Old School summed up the purpose of the elderly in one line. Beautiful. Distressing, though, as I may very well live long enough to become elderly. Fuck. I can't hate someone I might become.

Christians/Muslims/Jews/Religious People/Pagans/Satanists - They may be morons. They may be misguided. They may slaughter goats in ritual sacrifice to Satan. But they've been doing so for thousands of years and still nobody seems to notice the absolute lunacy of organized religion. I guess maybe these organizations are smarter than I give them credit for. Or the followers are even dumber than I thought. Either way I'm both scared and impressed. Can't hate something or someone that impresses me with and incredible amount of stupidity. Fuck they are dumb.

College Students - Hey! That's me!! (I'm giving myself the finger for even thinking about grouping myself with the rest of these dipshits) Can't hate myself.

People Who Do Volunteer Work - Do you feel warm and fuzzy inside when you get scammed?I'll bet you do. I try to be helpful here, so please, listen to my advice when I tell you that you are getting screwed. Or helping out a whole lot, I don't really know or care. All I'm saying is that if someone wants me to work, he had better fucking pay me. 'Cause the only important thing in the world is money. And owning a flying car. Which can be bought with money. Money you idiots won't be making doing labor for nothing. Dumbasses. Flying cars rule!!

Gay People - Hahahaha. Fags!!! You are all, like, so queeeeeeeerrr!!! Ugghhhhhh, look those two guys are holding hands!! That's not what God intended!! It's Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. Fags!! God, I'm so much better than those people because they are gay and don't have anyone inferior to hate. Praise the Lord and pass the ammo!!! I'ma go shoot me a rump ranger!! Yeehaaa!!!

Goths - Bingo. I had to go to the mall this weekend. (I hate the mall. And the people who frequent the mall.) Goths, everywhere. Goths to the left. Goths to the right. Downtrodden, forlorn teenagers who write angsty poetry and pretend to be serious when talking about slitting their wrists and ending it all. Well, I'm waiting.... You are from suburban Milwaukee, a city located in, last time I checked, fucking AMERICA!! What the fuck do you have to be so sad about. Your fucking parents are required to care and provide for you and you live in the most comfortable and safe nation in the entire fucking world!!! Fuck you!! BUT THE BIRDS ARE DYING AND LIFE IS SO SAD!!! Yeah? Fuck you. Get a job. Stop wasting your parents' money buying black nail polish and $75 jeans from Hot Topic in an attempt to separate yourself from the "harsh, cruel, callous world." (That's a direct quote from a goth, by the way) Just. Die. Now.

We have a winner. From this point forward I will harbor and intense hatred of all people of the "goth"persuasion. They suck. I don't need a reason to hate them. I think it's obvious why I do. Black nail polish? You're a dude. Get fucked.

....and no, I haven't been in jail. I've been lazy and busy. And drunk.....