Some Guy Saw My Dick

Just wanted to weigh in quickly and get something off of my chest.

Yesterday I was at a friend's house and as I was taking a piss his roommate opened the door and we made eye contact. While I was holding my cock.

So I guess I'm gay now. Anyone have any tips or tricks of the trade?

I wonder if he was impressed...

Cristmas Wishes From My Friends

You probably wouldn't know it if you have read anything I have written, but I am on a first name basis with many of America's conservative pundits and talking heads. In fact, we even exchange Christmas cards. This year I asked a few of my friends to send pictures and write a few words of encouragement. I was very pleased with what they sent me, and I would like to share with you a few of them.




"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! No spin zone! No spin zone! Stop bloviating! Be pithy! Pithy you prick!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!"
-Bill O'Reilly


Thanks for the encouragement Bill!




"Do you like my pink shirt? It's beautiful isn't it? I know. Hold on a minute while I equate healthcare reform with the rise of Nazi Germany. It will only take a second."
-Laura Ingraham

Thanks Laura! You're the best!




"Derpa derp. Derp da derp. Hurr durr. Derp derp da derpa derp. Hurr."
-Glenn Beck

Inspiring! Thanks Glenn!




"For $8.50 you can touch my hair. It smells like lavender."
-Sean Hannity

Oh Sean! Such a prankster!




"The bodies are hidden in the crawlspace."
-Ann Coulter

Merry Christmas to you too Ann!



And Merry Christmas to all of you!

I Hate This Guy

Hey dickhead. There is something I am dying to know. Be honest with me.

What is so fucking hard to understand about rollover minutes? Are you a special kind of retarded? You must be, since even Downs Syndrome kids have a rudimentary grasp of the concept of cellular phone time that never fucking expires. The world is a worse place because you are alive.

I hope your mom slaps the shit out of you. Asshole.

Does Anyone Know CPR?

Awwwwwwww. Shiiiiiiit. I fucked myself good and hard this time. I left the motel room for 10 minutes to go get condoms and Yoohoo and the hooker choked on the ball gag. Fuck. Me.

Give me a minute, I'll be right back. I need to get a full length carpet and a trash compactor.

No, I'm Not Dead Yet

I used to update this bitch with some regularity. Fuck me. I'll start again soon.

As if anyone gives a shit.

Give Them Back

When I travel out of state I sometimes come in contact with people who will ask me stupid questions about Wisconsin, the state in which I was born and still reside. The one I get most often is this: "Do you live on a dairy farm?" No, I don't. Fuck you. I don't know a single person who has ever lived on a dairy farm. I've milked a cow once in my life and I think I was about 7 at the time. I've only been to a dairy farm 2 or 3 times ever. Needless to say, I'm pretty citified.

Having said all that, I'm here to reinforce a stereotype. Wisconsin produces the milk that this country consumes. And the cheese. And all of the other dairy shit that we all love. Do you know who doesn't? California. Fuck California. Happy cows do not come from California. They come from Wisconsin.


Real California Cheese Is Made With Sadness And Dead Babies

Fuck you California. Give our cows back. You have Hollywood, the Golden Gate Bridge, the ocean, and lots and lots of gay people. Let us have our cows.

You know what else? Cows hate earthquakes. And Schwarzenegger. And LA.

Fuck California.

My Ultimate Threesome

If you are a heterosexual male possessing all the necessary tools then I can almost guarantee that you have two women in mind that would comprise your ultimate threesome. Unfortunately only three or four men in history have ever achieved their goal, but that should not and does not keep us from holding out hope for the future.

I'm no different than anyone else. I have my perfect threesome, and is it ever perfect. I'm getting a chub just thinking about it. My perfect threeway slam-fest consists of the following:


+



+

Me

=



That's right. My perfect threesome consists of the sexy blonde chick from Scrubs, Sarah Chalke, and Natalie Portman. Everytime I think about this scenario I hear a choir of angels singing in my head. I am not joking in the slightest when I say that I would commit genocide to make this a reality. I would burn down a fucking orphanage to get these two naked with me at the same time.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go make love to my hand. I've got impure thoughts running through my mind.

In The Town Of Bedrock

I figured I should write something since it's been a while. I was searching my mind for topics when it dawned on me that I have been watching The Flintstones for more than two hours straight. I fucking love that cartoon. Fred Flintstone is a man amongst boys and Wilma is a sexy little Bedrock minx. I'd love to throw down with her and Betty Rubble while Fred and Barney are off at the quarry busting their asses for Mr. Slate. Anyway, here's a list of reasons why Fred Flintstone is better than you and me:

He has a pet dinosaur.

His car has to weigh like eight tons. And he drives with his feet. Badass.

Sabertooth tiger can opener. Only a real man can provide these kinds of household conveniences for his woman.

His best friend Barney has no fucking eyeballs. That would scare the shit out of me. Not Fred Flintstone. Dude just keeps on keepin' on.

His work apparatus is another dinosaur. The guy fucking owns dinosaurs. Remember in Jurassic Park when Robert Muldoon gets mauled by the velociraptor? Fred Flintstone would have kicked that fucker in the balls and made him play fetch with his own dinosaur dick.

He wears an orange shirt with a blue tie. The man is a fucking trendsetter.

During one episode he fucking promoted Winston cigarettes. Don't believe me? Look at this:


I think I make my point. Fred Flintstone is the shit.

Dinosaur Killing Motherfucker

Whaju Want?

Bishhh....I sees you starin'. Whaju want eh? You not geddin' ma hat. Dis id ma hat. Dis shid blue, brudda. Blue hats id mah shid.

Whaju tink bout mah muztash? I bin growin id fo' lawng time now. In mah homeland muztash like dis worf seven goat and tree chikin.

No look at mah tent. Das mah tent. I keep mah wife an' seeks chilren in der. Mah wife ugly but dat bish can cook good.

Don' be look at mah hat.

I keel you fo look at mah blue hat.

Bish.

What's For Dinner?

It's early evening here in Milwaukee and I am hungry as fucking hell. I just looked in the refrigerator and couldn't find anything that looked appetizing. Nothing. I'm kind of tired of eating the same food over and again. I just don't want to eat chicken anymore.

I want to eat an endangered animal. I want to chomp down on a fucking Siberian tiger. I want to whet my appetite with filet of cheetah. If I could get my hands on an emperor penguin, I'd make that motherfucker my dinner.

My point here is, I'm getting bored eating cows, chickens and pigs. I need some variety in my diet. I need something different. I need some endangered California condor.



















I'm gonna eat the shit out of you, tiger.

Somebody turn the oven on.

This Is Getting Ridiculous

If you have read anything I've written you can probably figure out that I have a great deal of irrational hatred for a great number of people and things. That's not always the case, though. Some of my anger is completely justified and reasonable, and many of my assertions are the pure, unadulterated truth. For example, it is a universally accepted fact that Ann Coulter is the devil incarnate. Whiskey is good for your health. Sandwiches are fucking awesome. Crackheads smell. And, most importantly, fundamental Christians rank somewhere between aggravated sexual assault and condoms with holes punched in them on the Usefulness to Society Scale.

It is election season. Perhaps you have noticed. In two weeks America will elect a new president and, regardless of the outcome, the course of this nation's history will be forever altered. (Side note: If Barack Obama does not win this election I'll cut off my left nut. I'm dead serious. I'm not moving to Canadia or anything like that. I'm just gonna hack of half of my giblets.) But the presidency is not the only thing at stake. Many states will have various propositions and referendums on which to vote. One of those is Proposition 8 and is being voted on in California. If you are not familiar, Proposition 8 is basically a question posed to California voters asking whether or not gay marriage, which is currently legal in California, should be made illegal. A "Yes" vote on Proposition 8 means that a voter is in favor of repealing the law and making gay marriage illegal.

It also means that voter is a fucking moron. A fucking dipshit.

I have not heard one rational argument against allowing homosexuals to marry. Not one. Every argument I've ever heard is based on religious belief, archaic and antiquated ideas of "how things should be," and/or outright bigotry.

I decided to do some digging to figure out why those who oppose gay marriage do so. (Note: My "digging" consisted of me googling "Arguments Against Gay Marriage") The first return I got on my search was mind-blowing in its idiocy...

NoGayMarriage.com has conveniently provided 10 arguments against gay marriage in the United States. Click the link if you feel compelled. Here are the arguments, followed by my explanation of why the writer is a donkey-raping cock-monger:


1. Gay marriage will destroy the sanctity of the American family.
This is fucking ridiculous. By any conservative estimate homosexuals comprise between 3 and 8% of the American population. That means that there are anywhere from 9 - 20 million homosexuals in America. America has a population of 300 million. Is it possible that the sanctity of the American family is being destroyed by the ever-rising divorce rate and number of children born out of wedlock and to teenage mothers? Or that the "sanctity" of marriage is not in danger but that societal norms are simply changing? Holy shit, that would be downright sensible...fucking idiot.

2. The introduction of gay marriage will lead inexorably to polygamy and other alteratives to one-man, one-woman marriages.
No. No it won't. You know who else used this argument? People who opposed interracial marriage before it was legalized. This idea of "crossing the Rubicon" and the slippery slope are asinine. Do you know what leads to spousal abuse, divorce and broken families? Yeah, marriage between a man and a woman. By this logic all marriage should be abolished because it can lead to these terrible ends. And as for the person who claims that soon after gay marriage a man will be able to marry his donkey.....You. Are. Fucking. Stupid. An animal has no legal standing and cannot enter into a marriage contract. Argument shot down. Fuck you.

3. The homosexual movement's greater objective is to devalue marriage in the eyes of the government thus leading to more easily obtained divorces and an end to the government's compelling interest in marital relationships altogether.
...because marriage, as it stands, is the most revered of all American institutions. It has nothing at all to do with equal rights. Fags can't get married because all they want to do is fuck each other in the ass, but Britney Spears' 55 hour marriage was a blessing from god.

4. With the legalization of homosexual marriage, every public school in the nation will be required to teach that this perversion is the moral equivalent of traditional marriage between a man and a woman.
Wrong again. It is not the public schools' place to teach any form of moral curriculum. And there is that word "traditional." You know what was traditional for a long time? Stoning to death women who were raped. You know what else was a tradition? Fucking slavery. Anything else? Yes, too many to list. Just because something is a tradition doesn't make it necessarily right. For fuck's sake doctors used to use leaches to cure headaches. Why don't they do that anymore? Because WE HAVE ADVANCED AS HUMANS!!! Traditions and societal norms change, and clinging to "tradition" in the face of overwhelming logic is just ridiculous.

5. From this point forward, courts will not be able to favor a traditional family consisting of one man and one woman over a homosexual couple in matters of adoption.
No they will not. And they should not. There is not a shred of credible evidence that shows that homosexuals who adopt a child are any better or worse than a married man and woman when it comes to raising a child. "But Michael, the prospect of motherless or fatherless children will not ever be considered!" To that, I say, "fuck you, you are retarded." If you think that's a credible argument then you must believe that single parents should give their children up, too, because it's not possible for a normal, productive human being to be raised without a father or mother. You would also be wrong, in addition to being fucking stupid. Congratulations.

6. Foster-care parents will be required to undergo "sensitivity training" to rid themselves of bias in favor of traditional marriage, and will have to affirm homosexuality in children and teens.
Oh No! Dear Christ No! They will have to teach tolerance of homosexuals! We can't allow that. No one is saying that foster parents will have to undergo any type of sensitivity training. In fact, the inclusion of this argument is moronic. My head hurts...

7. How about the impact on Social Security if there are millions of new dependents that will be entitled to survivor benefits? It will amount to billions of dollars on an already overburdened system. And how about the cost to American businesses? Unproductive costs mean fewer jobs for those who need them. Are state and municipal governments to be required to raise taxes substantially to provide health insurance and other benefits to millions of new "spouses and other dependents"?
How about the impact of an inherently discriminatory system that denies these benefits to a minority group simply because their lifestyles do not conform to an antiquated idea? And what the hell does this asshole mean by "cost to American business" and "fewer jobs?" Is he really implying that allowing homosexuals to marry will somehow cause the economy and job markets to collapse? And how does he think homosexuals obtain health insurance now? There will be no new costs. Providing benefits to dependents...you mean, of course, all the children homosexuals are miraculously producing, right? Or was it the children in desperate need of adoption that you don't want homosexuals taking in? This whole arguments has been pulled forcefully out of the writer's ass...

8. Marriage among homosexuals will spread throughout the world, just as pornography did after the Nixon Commission declared obscene material "beneficial" to mankind. Almost instantly, the English-speaking countries liberalized their laws against smut. America continues to be the fountainhead of filth and immorality, and its influence is global.
Hopefully the day will come soon when gays can marry and the rest of the world will follow. Filth and immorality are subjective ideas and, in this case, must be interpreted in the light cast by the previous arguments made by the author. Clearly, he is a mongoloid and incapable of rational thought so these terms must be taken with a grain of salt. And really, is America the fountainhead of filth and immorality? Have you ever been to Tijuana? Or seen a German fetish movie? Letting two dudes get married doesn't seem so filthy when compared to the donkey show you see just south of the border. Perhaps you should take your moral indignation down there, asshole.

9. Perhaps most important, the spread of the Gospel of Jesus Christ will be severely curtailed. The family has been God's primary vehicle for evangelism since the beginning.
If you are asking the government to ban gay marriage then you must provide a convincing argument that does not rely on religious beliefs as a crutch. As much as you may want it to be, America is not a fucking theocracy...you cannot legislate morality or religious beliefs. Furthermore, if the family is god's primary vehicle for evangelism then I feel as though that vehicle may have blown a tire and dropped its transmission.

10. The culture war will be over, and I fear, the world may soon become "as it was in the days of Noah" (Matthew 24:37, NIV). This is the climactic moment in the battle to preserve the family, and future generations hang in the balance.
For once we agree. The culture war will be over, and you and your delusional religious zealots will have lost. But who am I kidding? You and millions of others like you will continue to live in fear of the invisible man in the clouds and take orders from a book written thousands of years ago.

So there you go...Ten utterly ridiculous reasons to ban gay marriage. I wish I was surprised by this level of ignorance. Fuck.

I think I'm going to buy of their "Marriage: One Man, One Woman" bumper stickers.

And then I'm going to take a piss on it.

The Greatest Singer Ever

Fact: Eddie Money is a fucking badass.

Fact #2: Eddie Money can rock so hard that your balls will literally fall off.

Fact #3: Neither your nor I will ever be as cool as Eddie Money. Don't even waste your time thinking about the possibility. It's just not happening.

Why is Eddie Money so fucking awesome? Check this out:



Can you rock that hard? Fuck no. Nobody can. Did you see the fucking hair? Simply put, Eddie Money is the tits. And the balls. And the asshole. And every other body part used to describe someone so impossibly awesome that it boggles the fucking mind.

Since we cannot aspire to be so cool, what can we learn from Eddie? For starters, we can learn that only Eddie Money is able to save prostitutes from their wretched existence. Second, we learn that singing alone in an enormous arena is fucking sweet. And finally, we again learn that no matter what we do in life, nothing will ever be as important as Eddie singing "Take Me Home Tonight."

Eddie, I would fellate you on command.

Just say the fucking word, and it's slob city.

My hero....

There Is Another

Two days ago I penned a thoughtful and heartfelt letter to my beloved Pam Beasley. At the time I was mesmerized by my dearest Pam's siren call. I was hers.

My most cherished Pam, I am sorry, but there is another. One who speaks to my heart as no other can. One who gives my life meaning.






















Erin Esurance, I would tear yo' ass up! Girl, I would do things to you that are illegal in 48 states. Erin, in short, I would blow your motherfucking cartoon mind all over the table I want to bend your slamming hot cartoon ass over. Girl, I'ma get up in those guts. I'm gonna give you a hysterectomy with ma' pork sword. You ain't even gonna need fucking insurance 'cause, baby, I'm gonna do that shit for free. I'm gonna bang the purple out of your hair girl. You know all those crazy flips and shit you do on your commercials? You ain't doing that for at least a week after I get done splitting you like a sexy little cartoon log.

Erin, clear your schedule. I'm going to drill you like a Texas oil well.

Pam, you're invited, too.

My Everything

My beloved Pam Beasley, I cannot continue to live this lie for a moment longer. No longer can I deny my love for you. Some things in this world are simply too precious to keep bottled up inside, hidden from the world like a proverbial lamp 'neath a basket.

Pam, my delicate flower, come to me. Embrace my love and allow yourself to be consumed by my passion. Let yourself free and I will show you a world where anything is possible.

My beloved, my muse, my everything...please do not deny me the only thing for which my heart longs.

There are no words I can use to do justice to the sheer beauty which you exude.

You are my everything.

Please...

And fuck Jim Halpert. That cockbite can lick a chocolate starfish. What the fuck is the deal with that pickle-licker?

Also, you have a fucking kick-ass rack and your backyard ain't nothing to scoff at, either.

Let me show you...

Let me show you...

Let me show you...

...my penis.

Brief Coverage Of Boxer Shortage

At some point in every man's life he is faced with a predicament that requires a great deal of mental strength and willpower to overcome. I am talking, of course, about that heart-stabbing moment when he realizes that he is completely void of boxer shorts and is forced to go "commando."

Fuck.

What is one to do in this situation? In the beginning, there are two choices: Stay home, do laundry, and hope that nothing of the such happens again. Or, nut it up, and take it like a man.

Should you choose the latter, here is what can be expected if you are man and find yourself in the unenviable position of having to wear your favorite jeans a little closer to the skin than desired:

1. Your junk is going to rub/bounce against your zipper. There is no getting around this. It will hurt. You may even cry. All I can say is bite your lip and try and walk with your ass sticking out, thus maximizing the distance between your pork sword and the razor-sharp metal teeth waiting to take a bite out of your manhood.

2. If it is hot, and you are fat, or sweaty, or fat and sweaty, you will probably develop some terrible swamp ass. Should this happen, please stay the hell away from me. I don't need that shit in my life.

3. You will almost certainly feel the need to tell people that you are going commando. That's cool. Just don't tell me. I don't want to know.

4. I have a pair of shorts that I love. I've had them for years and I would go almost as far as saying that they are more important to me than friends or love. They are perfect, with one exception - the zipper is faulty and constantly comes unzipped. This, of course, opens the door for all kinds of embarrassing "dick flopping out of the shorts" moments that can ruin the family 4th of July picnic. Jesus Christ Mom, I told you that I'm sorry. Grandma will just have to get over the fact that I exposed myself to her and that troop of boy scouts. Damn.

5. You may need to throw the pants away after wearing them. A little known fact about boxer shorts is that they act as an impenetrable force field between your jeans and your filthy ass. Take this into consideration.

6. You are going to tear your pants straight down the ass. It is inevitable. There will also be a police officer in the vicinity. You will be arrested and for the next ten years everytime you move or leave the state you will be required to register as a sex offender. Pervert.

When faced with these consequences it is easy to see going commando is just not a sound decision. Stay home, do your laundry, and avoid all the trouble.

Also, if anyone has seen every pair of boxers I own or has any information on their whereabouts, please let me know. I haven't left the house in weeks and I'm pretty sure I've been fired from my job. Better that, though, than leaving with no ass barrier and subjecting myself to the plethora of evils that would certainly ensue.

Or could someone send me some new ones?

Please.

Aww shit.

USA! USA! USA!

Independence Day has come and gone again, and I'll be perfectly honest, I had a blast blowing shit up with M80's and other awesome explosives. Apparently, though, the holiday has something to do with a country generally referred to as "America." I know, I know. I was unaware, as well. In any case, I have been following this man's travels across the country he gave his right arm defending, and as I've said previously, I don't give a shit about your political affiliation or leanings, people like him should be honored and given all the respect they deserve. So when he wrote the following, I got a pretty solid chill shot down my spine:

One of the things to remember is that this independence didn't come for naught. The price paid was heavy, and even today the debt is still being settled. Tonight while you enjoy your steak and beer, remember that somewhere in the world, an American is suffering so that you won't have to. This is a person who did this of their own accord, be it for school, a sense of patriotism, or just a way out. No letter arrived in the mail directing them to report for duty. No truck full of armed men came and whisked them away to a new life of danger. This citizen willfully stepped forward and said "I will go" when so many others sat back and criticized or listed the reasons why it just wasn't convenient for them to go. Tonight while you watch the beautiful displays of fireworks bursting overhead, know that somewhere else in the world an American is seeing the same bursts, hearing the same booms, and wishing they weren't there. This person will see no beauty in the rockets red glare, only danger unknown to those who've not been there. When the embers fall on you as you try to dance out of the way, remember that for a neighbor of yours these embers are shrapnel, embers that injure far more gravely. Lastly, remember that in the morning when you awaken, head pounding from the nights festivities, a friend you've never met will never reawaken from their last nights journey.

If I had a thousand years I could not have said it better. I may hate our president and government for sending American men and women to die for something I personally do not believe in, but I have more respect for people like Daniel than most anyone in the world.

Safe travels Daniel. You are a true hero.

Check This Out. Seriously. If You Don't I'll Be Pissed

I don't think I've ever plugged another site other than K-Fingerett's lovely page but I found this somewhere and have become strangely captivated.

This guy is an Army vet who lost his right arm in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan, and he is currently taking a trip around America to see and meet the people for whom he gave his arm.

I'm a pretty liberal guy. I do not agree with our country's presence in Iraq. I detest our idiot president. I think America needs a drastic makeover in terms of international relations. But I am behind America's military men and women one hundred percent, and whether or not I agree with any war or military conflict involving America is irrelevant. This man gave his arm in the service of his country, and no matter what I think, that is deserving of every ounce of respect I can give.

If any of you who read this - and thanks to all six of you - have a chance, check out his site. His updates are frequent and really entertaining. And, if possible, make a donation. Gas ain't free you know...

How 'bout that? An entire post without using the word "fuck." Aww fuck I fucked it up.

Whatever, check out Daniel's site. You won't be disappointed.

Please Tell Me This Was A Bad Dream

About a week ago I was out with Friend Victor on Water St. and North Ave. in Milwaukee. Going out with Victor virtually guarantees that something ridiculous will happen because, very much like me, Victor loves to get absolutely hammered and make his own fun. He is, to put it simply, a very forward and blunt person. Basically, our goal for the night was to "drank some dranks" and see if we couldn't get ourselves arrested.

I will never be the same again.

One of the bars we went to, a place called Cans, is considered one of Milwaukee's premiere "singles" bar, mainly for the derth of slutty women and horny, douche bags guys that populate it. I had been there once or twice before and did not like it at all, but somehow we ended up inside. It was a Thursday night, and for some reason the bar was not nearly as crowded or douche-ey as I remembered it being. Perhaps I hadn't been drinking enough. As I was about to find out, there was no amount of alcohol that could prepare me for what happened next.

I was standing near one of the two bars inside talking with Victor when a girl of Latina descent approached us and started talking. She said she was from San Juan and mentioned something about just graduating from a tech school in Milwaukee with a degree in "clothing design." Victor and I both give her shit about her fake degree and she keeps talking. All the while I'm looking at her and thinking to myself that something is just not right. She continues to talk and says "See I made this dress myself," and then she twirls around to show off her dress. And then, as if god himself was mocking me, she kind of lifts her dress to show that she is wearing lycra bike shorts. "Why is she wearing bike shorts?" I ask myself. At this point I walk about fifteen feet to the other bar with Victor to get away from this girl who won't leave us alone. Not seconds later she comes up behind me and grabs my ass causing me to turn around violently. She proceeds to put her hands on my face and say "You are so hot. So hot. You wanna dance?" All this happens while Victor quietly slinks away to go talk to another group of girls. Asshole. It was then that I realized something that will never, ever in my life leave me:

Oh sweet motherfucking Christ. This girl is a fucking MAN! I AM BEING HIT ON AND FELT UP AND HAVING MY FACE CARESSED BY A FUCKING TRANNY!

I grabbed her hands from my face and turned to the bar in a split second, ordering four shots of whiskey as fast as I possibly can. I was fucking traumatized. A few seconds later a real female walks up to the bar next to me and orders a drink. I look at her for a second, and then ask: "You didn't used to have a penis, right? I mean, you weren't born a man were you?" This, as expected, did not go over well. I grabbed Victor from the other bar and we left. I couldn't handle it.

For the rest of the night, any girl that would come up to talk to me was greeted with a very simple question: "You were born a woman, right?"

I don't think I'll ever recover from this.

Fucking tranny.

I Might Be Taking This Badly

It has now been three days since my Lord and Savior Brett Favre announced his retirement.

This blows.

Fuck. I need to talk to someone...


Me: Oh shit. Hello Map Of The Upper Midwest With A Red Dot Indicating The Location Of Green Bay, WI.

Map: Yeah, what the fuck? Why are you bitching about Brett Favre? You see how Tennessee kinda looks like my cock? Yeah? It is. And Brett Favre can fucking eat it.

Me: Holy fuck. I had no idea that a jpg. image of a fucking map could talk. How come you're such a dick? Brett Favre has influenced my life more than Jesus. If I saw him in public and his shoe was untied, I would gladly volunteer to bend down and tie it, lest he injure himself and miss his first game ever. Now I have nothing!

(Quiet sobbing)

Map: Eat my Western Illinois asshole! Shut the fuck up. Brett Favre is more synonymous with Green Bay than the actual fucking city is with itself. If you search Green Bay on GIS I'm the first return followed by 9 million photos of Brett fucking Favre. That guy was everywhere. I can't take him anymore.

Me: I'm going to light you on fucking fire.

Map: How do you plan on doing that you sheep humping dumbshit? I'm a fucking picture. On your fucking computer. Does any of this register with you?

(Looking up through red, tear filled eyes)

Me: I don't know. I just...




Me: Don't fuck with me. I won't stand for anyone speaking ill of Brett Favre.

Me: Damn. That was cool.

Me: How did I just do that?




Please come back Brett.

Please.

Dear Christ No!

Dear God No!!! Please, please, please come back for one more season! Fucking Christ come back! I know I have always joked about how I would fellate you on command but I'm not fucking around this time! I will do it! I'll slob little Brett for one more season!

(Muffled sobs)

Oh Fuck! I can't live without you, Brett!

(More sobbing)

Please reconsider....

And if you do...leave your fucking wife back in Mississippi. I don't want to see another shot of her in the luxury box at Lambeau.

Please come back Brett. One more year.

Please.