This I Promise You

As someone who is new to writing a weblog, I feel it is important to be transparent with my creative vision as it pertains to this page. Also, I will try to be as wordy and condescending as I possibly can in an effort to make the three people reading this feel even less intelligent than they already must feel. Anyway, I present to you my list of promises in regards to my future posts:

1. I will never use the word "blog." Ever. It's stupid. Next.

2. Since I've already stated that I will twist the English language in as many ways as I possibly can in order to confuse you it would be pointless to restate it. I have not told you, however, that I will also use as many long and obscure words as possible. Obviously, this is my way of punishing you for being less intelligent than I am and for wasting your time reading the incoherent babble I write here. If you made it to the end of this promise I applaude you. Next.

3. I will make lots of jokes about kicking babies and small children. Does this mean that I don't like babies or small children? No, quite the contrary. Does this mean that jokes about kicking babies and small children are funny? Of course it does. Next.

4. I will probably swear. A lot. But not in this promise. Next fucking promise.

5. I will write about nothing important to the state of world affairs. I will offer no reasonable solutions for the problems I bring to light in any particular rant on this page. Also, I will make fun of fat women as often as is needed. And that is often. Very often. Next.

6. Jokes about retarded people? You better fucking believe it. Next.

7. Weekly observations about the OC, Project Runway, and the Queer Guy show? Only if I wake up to find myself castrated. I'll put the odds at even right now. Get your bets in. Next.

8. There is no next promise. I find it impossible to make plans more than an hour in advance and the fact of the matter is that I will break each of these promises whenever it suits my purposes.

Next.