Brief Coverage Of Boxer Shortage

At some point in every man's life he is faced with a predicament that requires a great deal of mental strength and willpower to overcome. I am talking, of course, about that heart-stabbing moment when he realizes that he is completely void of boxer shorts and is forced to go "commando."

Fuck.

What is one to do in this situation? In the beginning, there are two choices: Stay home, do laundry, and hope that nothing of the such happens again. Or, nut it up, and take it like a man.

Should you choose the latter, here is what can be expected if you are man and find yourself in the unenviable position of having to wear your favorite jeans a little closer to the skin than desired:

1. Your junk is going to rub/bounce against your zipper. There is no getting around this. It will hurt. You may even cry. All I can say is bite your lip and try and walk with your ass sticking out, thus maximizing the distance between your pork sword and the razor-sharp metal teeth waiting to take a bite out of your manhood.

2. If it is hot, and you are fat, or sweaty, or fat and sweaty, you will probably develop some terrible swamp ass. Should this happen, please stay the hell away from me. I don't need that shit in my life.

3. You will almost certainly feel the need to tell people that you are going commando. That's cool. Just don't tell me. I don't want to know.

4. I have a pair of shorts that I love. I've had them for years and I would go almost as far as saying that they are more important to me than friends or love. They are perfect, with one exception - the zipper is faulty and constantly comes unzipped. This, of course, opens the door for all kinds of embarrassing "dick flopping out of the shorts" moments that can ruin the family 4th of July picnic. Jesus Christ Mom, I told you that I'm sorry. Grandma will just have to get over the fact that I exposed myself to her and that troop of boy scouts. Damn.

5. You may need to throw the pants away after wearing them. A little known fact about boxer shorts is that they act as an impenetrable force field between your jeans and your filthy ass. Take this into consideration.

6. You are going to tear your pants straight down the ass. It is inevitable. There will also be a police officer in the vicinity. You will be arrested and for the next ten years everytime you move or leave the state you will be required to register as a sex offender. Pervert.

When faced with these consequences it is easy to see going commando is just not a sound decision. Stay home, do your laundry, and avoid all the trouble.

Also, if anyone has seen every pair of boxers I own or has any information on their whereabouts, please let me know. I haven't left the house in weeks and I'm pretty sure I've been fired from my job. Better that, though, than leaving with no ass barrier and subjecting myself to the plethora of evils that would certainly ensue.

Or could someone send me some new ones?

Please.

Aww shit.