Some Guy Saw My Dick

Just wanted to weigh in quickly and get something off of my chest.

Yesterday I was at a friend's house and as I was taking a piss his roommate opened the door and we made eye contact. While I was holding my cock.

So I guess I'm gay now. Anyone have any tips or tricks of the trade?

I wonder if he was impressed...

Cristmas Wishes From My Friends

You probably wouldn't know it if you have read anything I have written, but I am on a first name basis with many of America's conservative pundits and talking heads. In fact, we even exchange Christmas cards. This year I asked a few of my friends to send pictures and write a few words of encouragement. I was very pleased with what they sent me, and I would like to share with you a few of them.




"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! No spin zone! No spin zone! Stop bloviating! Be pithy! Pithy you prick!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!"
-Bill O'Reilly


Thanks for the encouragement Bill!




"Do you like my pink shirt? It's beautiful isn't it? I know. Hold on a minute while I equate healthcare reform with the rise of Nazi Germany. It will only take a second."
-Laura Ingraham

Thanks Laura! You're the best!




"Derpa derp. Derp da derp. Hurr durr. Derp derp da derpa derp. Hurr."
-Glenn Beck

Inspiring! Thanks Glenn!




"For $8.50 you can touch my hair. It smells like lavender."
-Sean Hannity

Oh Sean! Such a prankster!




"The bodies are hidden in the crawlspace."
-Ann Coulter

Merry Christmas to you too Ann!



And Merry Christmas to all of you!

I Hate This Guy

Hey dickhead. There is something I am dying to know. Be honest with me.

What is so fucking hard to understand about rollover minutes? Are you a special kind of retarded? You must be, since even Downs Syndrome kids have a rudimentary grasp of the concept of cellular phone time that never fucking expires. The world is a worse place because you are alive.

I hope your mom slaps the shit out of you. Asshole.

Does Anyone Know CPR?

Awwwwwwww. Shiiiiiiit. I fucked myself good and hard this time. I left the motel room for 10 minutes to go get condoms and Yoohoo and the hooker choked on the ball gag. Fuck. Me.

Give me a minute, I'll be right back. I need to get a full length carpet and a trash compactor.

No, I'm Not Dead Yet

I used to update this bitch with some regularity. Fuck me. I'll start again soon.

As if anyone gives a shit.

Give Them Back

When I travel out of state I sometimes come in contact with people who will ask me stupid questions about Wisconsin, the state in which I was born and still reside. The one I get most often is this: "Do you live on a dairy farm?" No, I don't. Fuck you. I don't know a single person who has ever lived on a dairy farm. I've milked a cow once in my life and I think I was about 7 at the time. I've only been to a dairy farm 2 or 3 times ever. Needless to say, I'm pretty citified.

Having said all that, I'm here to reinforce a stereotype. Wisconsin produces the milk that this country consumes. And the cheese. And all of the other dairy shit that we all love. Do you know who doesn't? California. Fuck California. Happy cows do not come from California. They come from Wisconsin.


Real California Cheese Is Made With Sadness And Dead Babies

Fuck you California. Give our cows back. You have Hollywood, the Golden Gate Bridge, the ocean, and lots and lots of gay people. Let us have our cows.

You know what else? Cows hate earthquakes. And Schwarzenegger. And LA.

Fuck California.

My Ultimate Threesome

If you are a heterosexual male possessing all the necessary tools then I can almost guarantee that you have two women in mind that would comprise your ultimate threesome. Unfortunately only three or four men in history have ever achieved their goal, but that should not and does not keep us from holding out hope for the future.

I'm no different than anyone else. I have my perfect threesome, and is it ever perfect. I'm getting a chub just thinking about it. My perfect threeway slam-fest consists of the following:


+



+

Me

=



That's right. My perfect threesome consists of the sexy blonde chick from Scrubs, Sarah Chalke, and Natalie Portman. Everytime I think about this scenario I hear a choir of angels singing in my head. I am not joking in the slightest when I say that I would commit genocide to make this a reality. I would burn down a fucking orphanage to get these two naked with me at the same time.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go make love to my hand. I've got impure thoughts running through my mind.